5 Reasons Why INFJs Like to Be Alone
Jan 14, 2021
To be alone or not to be alone? Well, to INFJs that is not even the question.
From being alone as a way to return to themselves, to being alone to focus on their life’s purpose, they enjoy it.
INFJs are one of the eight introverted Myers-Briggs personality types.
What are some more reasons that they like being alone?
To many people being a loner is one of the worst nightmares, yet INFJs seem to thrive in it.
As a highly sensitive INFJ male I really recognize the need for INFJ solitude!
As a result I have made a list of 5 Reasons Why INFJs Like to Be Alone.
Let's have a look shall we?!
Why INFJs Like to Be Alone (5 Reasons)
1. INFJs Like to Be Alone to Return to Themselves
As you may know by now, INFJs are renowned for their ability to feel other people’s emotions (more on this later).
INFJs go through daily life absorbing numerous amounts of different impressions from their surroundings and the people they interact with.
Since they’re more sensitive to those types of emotional impressions, they might struggle more with processing them than the average human being.
Harmony is the INFJ’s specialty and we have an almost alien-like ability to shape shift our energy, verbal and non-verbal communication to make it seamlessly fit the social situation at hand.
Breaking eye-contact every 5 seconds with the person you’re talking to because you sense that they’re uncomfortable, which makes you uncomfortable, but trying to hide your own uncomfortableness so that the other doesn’t get more uncomfortable.
Someone trying to one-up you by boasting about what they’ve achieved, while you know you’ve achieved much more, but won’t hold it over their heads, because you sense that their fragile ego would get shattered.
Socially being held hostage in a commute situation where you happen to run into the proverbial old classmate you haven’t seen in 15 years and now have to talk to, but still (surprise) have nothing in common with, but manage to find that 0.001% of common ground and being able to pull material for conversation from that to survive the otherwise awkward one hour public transport journey with a witnessing audience.
Phew.. I think you’ve got the idea.
Photo by Jessica Ticozzelli on Pexels
INFJs can be everything and nothing at the same time
Our INFJ shapeshifter ability is often an absolute lifesaver, but since we do it regularly with great skill we can lose touch with ourselves.
We risk being able to become almost anyone, but being no one at the same time.
We are the metaphorical mirror, that holds everybody’s reflection except our own.
As INFJs we like to be alone, because in solitude we can return to ourselves. That is the time we gather our thoughts.
Like the snow in the Christmas snow globe decoration needs time to settle after being shaken, we need time to let the (emotional) impressions from the day settle so that our inner world is clear again and we see our Self again.
2. INFJs Like to Be Alone to Turn Off Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted feeling is the third cognitive function in INFJ, represented by the letter F.
It is this function which grants us our superpower to sense what someone else is feeling and needing at any given moment.
Extraverted feeling is our secret weapon when it comes to measuring the “social” room’s temperature and helps us keep that temperature nice and warm for everybody so to speak.
It manifests through the INFJ always being the first to notice that the music playlist stopped at a social gathering, and puts on some more music that fits the mood (although Spotify helps us out big time nowadays).
It shows up in the INFJ standing up from the new friend’s couch to introduce him or herself properly to the parents of that friend, because they know the older generation likes that respect.
When an INFJ male walks behind a woman in the streets at night, extraverted feeling comes out by slowing his pace or crossing the street to further the distance between him and the woman so that she feels less on edge.
All in all, extraverted feeling is the social ace up the INFJ’s sleeve that can be played every time we need it.
Great right?! Well, there’s a catch..
Extraverted feeling on autopilot
What it is about extraverted feeling, is that it tends to trigger automatically when INFJs find themselves in a social situation.
It doesn’t matter if it is at a birthday party with family or making prolonged eye contact with a stranger in a grocery store (which we must do for some reason).
Even though this function is one of the powerful driving forces behind the INFJ’s revered warmth and empathy, this power’s trade off is that it activates on its own accord when we signal just any human being (or dog or cat for that matter) in the periphery.
Obviously, this can be very exhausting.
INFJs prefer to be alone so that the extraverted feeling function can finally shut down for a while.
By choosing solitude, there’s no one around to trigger this strong function.
When we are alone we don’t have to consider anyone’s feelings except our own.
By being alone we finally have some control over the extraverted feeling, to keep it turned off and rest.
3. INFJs Like to Be Alone because they Value Quality Time over Quantity Time
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
The absence of INFJs at most of their friends’ social events is not anything new.
However, this doesn’t mean they don’t like their friends.
As lovers of beauty, we value quality time more than quantity time in relationships.
INFJs naturally home in on the essence of their significant others and want to understand their soul.
What’s more is that those deeper, high quality authentic conversations and interactions feed us with soul energy.
Our being becomes alive during those moments.
We might feel joyful, creative, blissful, compassion, inspired, timeless or a sense of peace when immersed in such conversations with our good friends.
During those quality moments both sides bring their own unique perspectives, emotions and experiences to the conversation.
That soul energy becomes our sustenance as the conversation ascends to higher and higher levels of aliveness.
I truly believe that this is where soul energy comes out and nourishes the people who are engaged in the interaction.
But after a while, the time comes again to return to one’s own life so to speak.
New experiences to have something to say
Time comes to take that energy from the high quality interaction and fuse it into our everyday lives.
During those moments you experience more of life in your own unique way.
You’ll take that in and after a while when it’s time to see your good friends again, you’ll bring that fresh and new life experience and energy into the interaction again.
Then we’ll return to friends with something to say.
It is of course perfectly fine if you choose to see your friends everyday.
Many times someone doesn’t need that time away from friends, but INFJs tend to need it. They experience quality time as magical.
In our absence we incubate that potential magic for our next encounters.
But we have to be willing and able to miss others for a little while.
4. INFJs Like to Be Alone because they Enjoy Entertaining Themselves
Being alone as an INFJ is many times just the mere byproduct of being great at self entertainment.
From reading, to writing or just browsing the internet randomly, following their curiosity.
They could easily spend days like this (check out the Wisdom page for interesting resources).
When alone, they can really let their mind drift and see where it takes them.
What is it exactly that makes them so good at entertaining themselves?
Do they have so many different types of interests?
Is it that they don’t need that much to be entertained? Or are they just boring?
Hmmm.. You might think that, since a wall to stare at is all they need.
Photo by Ekaterina Bolovtsova on Pexels
Bored? Not a chance!
Although I’ve been always bored at my 9 to 5 jobs of the last 7 years (INFJ career crisis and bore out).
I can’t even remember the last time that I was bored during my free time and my life isn't flashy at all.
All I know is that it happens once a year. When it comes up, I feel faintly lethargic and I pause, thinking: Hmmm.. I.. I can’t believe it.. I think I’m actually bored right now.
As the vague feeling of listlessness drops from my upper body down through my legs and to my feet in 30 seconds, the thought appears about how rare this moment actually is and my amazement lifts the boredom.
INFJs appear very calm from the outside, but inside there’s a lot going on.
Their minds can be seen as a lifetime subscription to a cosmic Netflix account accessed via a VPN connection to a server on the moon.
There’s so much to wonder about in this life, how could we possibly be bored?
Visiting friends is therefore maybe also less common for the INFJ, since it is just one of the many options of entertaining oneself.
When the INFJ friend does visit you, be sure to give her or him props though.
Now you know it was their conscious choice to sincerely visit you and not just to kill some time!
5. INFJs Like to Be Alone to Focus on their Life’s Purpose
Let’s face it.. Figuring out one’s life’s purpose is to many a daunting task.
Some doubt a purpose in life even exists. Well, according to the INFJ they’re seriously missing out.
Although INFJs have a hard time figuring out their purpose, the idealistic dreamer in them propels them to investigate what it could be.
Nothing can light their spirit like a clear vision for their own life.
Even if that vision isn’t 20/20 yet, when it’s compelling enough it provides almost an unwavering drive to achieve it.
But, the so-called “deep soul” requires deep investigation, and that takes time.. gargantuan amounts of time.
INFJs like to be alone, because they deeply understand that the key to residing in the bliss of a beautiful life is excavating the most authentic parts of their soul and bringing those parts to the surface.
Now, it’s already clear that this isn’t an overnight thing, but we have to regularly tend to the process.
If we fail to do so for a long time, we may feel a haunting sense of unrest.
How we can be our best selves and help/love our loved ones is most important to us in this lifetime.
Yet, the path to our ultimate goal is a lonely journey..
It seems there are a few reasons why INFJs like to be alone. Can you think of more?
The INFJ personality is very popular lately, because of their enigmatic rareness and versatile characteristics.
Because of that, some people like to be seen as one.
Don’t hurt yourself by trying though, because this personality is built for thriving in solitude.
Forcing yourself as an extravert to be like them is like trying to be a fish as a human being.
Without gills you won’t be able to breathe underwater.
Solitude is the water INFJs breathe in as they go deeper and deeper into their natural habitat.
Food For Thought
1. What are other reasons INFJs like to be alone?
ALSO ON INFJ MALE PSYCHOLOGY