5 Ways the INFJ Male Can Heal from Heartbreak
Dec 30, 2020
A few days ago, I saw a Reddit thread of a young despondent INFJ male (20 years) who asked for some older INFJ male advice about how to heal from heartbreak.
As INFJs feel their emotions very strongly, getting over heartbreak can be especially challenging.
If you’ve spent some time on this blog, you may know by now that INFJs are one of the eight introverted Myers-Briggs personality types.
They’re known for their loving nature and idealistic principles.
Due to their function combination (Introversion (I), Intuition (N), Feeling (F) and Judging (J)), is only seen in 1-2 percent of the population, they’re the rarest personality type.
I felt compelled to respond. His conveyed sorrow triggered a familiar sadness.
When I was 20 years old I also got my heart broken by my first true love that I was in a relationship with. I was very distraught and sad because of it.
As an INFJ male myself I know how he feels.
After I commented with my answer I thought it was a good idea to work out my advice into a blog post.
I honored his request for personal advice, by sharing what had worked for me to heal from my own heartbreak around that time.
I have worked out five things that healed my broken highly sensitive INFJ male heart.
It is not necessary to practice them all, but doing so could have the best effect in my opinion.
Here are 5 Ways the INFJ Male Can Heal from Heartbreak.
How the INFJ Male Can Heal from Heartbreak (5 Ways)
1. INFJ Males May Heal from Heartbreak by Doing the Inner Work
As a late blooming INFJ male I hadn’t any real experiences with dating during my teen years.
I was ashamed because of it and already depressed and anxious as a teen.
I kept waiting for the right girl, because I really wanted to be in love.
When I finally met her and got into the relationship, I was depending too much on her for my self-esteem and comfort.
Within the first couple of months the feelings of love overshadowed my depression and anxiety, but soon they resurfaced as I was now scared to lose her (even though she treated me badly).
Inevitably, she broke up with me due to my neediness and jealousy.
I was broken by it and spiralled deeper into my depression.
Because the pain was unbearable, I tried Self-help books and therapy. I stumbled upon the book “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle.
His book made me realize that I was torturing myself with the self-pity, anxious and depressed thoughts on top of the heartbreak.
Soon as I became conscious of how my painful thoughts were worsening the heartbreak, about 70% of my pain fell away.
Photo by Yogendra Singh on Pexels
Observing your own thoughts
It had more to do with how I viewed myself and that wasn’t a pretty picture.
Maybe his book can help you too.
It is a deeply spiritual and psychological book, which I know many INFJs have an interest in.
It changed my life forever to a more peaceful one.
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I don’t know who I would’ve been without its wisdom.
Introspect to see what type of thoughts you have about the breakup.
It’s okay to be sad about it, but are you unnecessarily dragging yourself down in self-pity?
Look out for those thoughts by which you attack yourself internally and just see how those particular thoughts cause you pain.
You might find that on some level you actually enjoy the sadness and pain.
You’ll need to break out of that masochistic thought and emotional cycle.
This starts by bringing your awareness to your thought and emotional patterns and to observe them like clouds that are floating by in the sky.
What are they saying? What type of images do they contain?
How does your body react to those thoughts and mental images? How do you react?
Is there an influx of tension, stress, anxiety, sadness when you think about them? Do you react by staying in bed because of the helpless feelings?
Do you wallow in sadness, because of the cloying vivid memories?
Try to accept the feelings of heartbrokenness as they come and meditate.
The only way is through. The emotional charge will decrease over time this way.
2. INFJ Males May Heal from Heartbreak by Focussing on their Purpose & Creativity
Every human, but especially INFJ men need a mission or purpose for their lives.
Devoting your life to something greater than yourself that you find meaningful has a fulfilling quality.
This could be anything really. Explore your innate curiosity and follow it.
What resides deep down in your heart that you really enjoy doing?
What would make you most proud when you had to achieve something in life regardless of how much money it would earn you?
Try your best to work on those things everyday next to your daily obligations like school or work.
This keeps you engaged and also distracted from the heartbreak.
Devoting yourself to a greater good is a noble way to transcend the confines of the negative narrow minded ego.
Immerse yourself in your creative expression
This also gives your life and yourself meaning, instead of trying to get all of that from a relationship.
For example, my interests are in creativity and psychology.
I love to make music (beats) on my computer and I love to write (prose or poetry) and started this blog.
I have found that being creative really helps to channel that excess emotion into the projects I’m working on, which brings relief.
I notice that when I’m making music or writing and am really engaged, I often feel as if I’m in love.
Not with someone, but there’s this love just emanating from within when I’m completely immersed in working on those things I find meaningful.
That really helped to dissolve the cluttered emotions from a broken heart.
Listen to inspiring music that moves you.
Listening to music is a great way to start the flow again of constrained emotions. Let it wash over you.
Write about how you feel. Keep a journal for a while.
Lose yourself in a creative endeavour that makes you come alive and helps you transmute that raw emotion into something positive.
It is not too different from alchemy. Emotional and spiritual alchemy.
3. INFJ Males May Heal from Heartbreak by Dating
It is often said that INFJ males are only interested in dating someone if they are sure it progresses towards a relationship (read 7 Essential INFJ Male Relationship Needs).
Granted that our special INFJ qualities can be most exuberant when in the safe space of a loving committed romantic relationship, but I wouldn’t say that we can’t show some level of depth and intimacy in more casual dating situations.
Nor should you withhold yourself from trying it out.
When I started to date other women, I really got over my heartbreak fast.
You don’t want to rush this of course, but dating different women made me see that there are so many different types of women out there.
Each had their own intriguing personality and background.
It made me also see that my ex and I actually had nothing in common.
A mistake I made with my ex was that I was always available and giving my power away constantly.
This led to her treating me badly by rubbing other guys in my face or just being bitchy during the relationship.
I wouldn’t stand up for myself because of my low-self worth at the time.
Failing to recognize that ugly side of my ex’s personality. Today, I wouldn’t have put up with that in the slightest.
It is a poignant reality that we often tolerate mistreatment purely because we hold a low opinion about ourselves.
I wish everyone was as loving as INFJs can be, but the harsh reality is they aren’t.
In dating and life in general you need to take care of yourself and have self-respect to not get jerked around.
Especially as a young man, some guidance will benefit you.
What really helped me was the work of Life Coach Corey Wayne in his book: How To Be a 3% Man.
His work together with the dating experience helped me grow my confidence with women and also my self-respect.
The worst thing you can do is chase after someone who dumped you.
Photo by Cottonbro on Pexels
Happiness comes from within
By focussing on myself I healed from my heartbreak quickly.
I’ve learned a lot about my personality and patterns while dating. It fostered my growth tremendously.
Believe it or not, by working on yourself you’ll meet someone that fits you even better.
But you’ve got to create the space as well for that person to come into your life.
What’s most important is that you become comfortable being alone. That you can enjoy your own presence.
Even-though you see the outside world engaging in seemingly perfect relationships, you’ll need to reach a point where you are totally fine with being by yourself.
To the point that if you were to be alone for the rest of your life, that it would be okay too.
Radical as that seems, you will be surprised how many dating prospects will miraculously appear in your life.
By letting go you create a space for them to come.
By building your character and through self-care you give to yourself.
You’ll realize that no-one can give you your self-esteem, so why look for it in a relationship?
Now that you nurture yourself, you aren’t missing your ex as much.
You’ll realize that a lot of the heartbreak wasn’t really about love, but about the validation you demanded from your ex in the relationship.
You believed that only this one person should love you. Is that true?
A paradigm shift
A paradigm shift takes place. You’ll realize that relationships are about giving.
You suddenly aren’t there to take something from the other anymore in relationships or dating.
You now have actually something to give and people can sense that immediately.
They’ll seek you out, and as you grow, so will the level of quality of the people you date.
Your generosity will attract other generous people. It will also attract takers of course, but you’ll weed them out immediately.
Following my tips may help you create the space for this, because then you aren’t so focussed on your broken heart anymore.
I have dated many amazing, kind and ambitious women over the years with which I shared intimate and meaningful connections.
I’ve created some lovely memories with those women that I will cherish until the end of my days.
Many of them were never my girlfriend, but I felt more for them than most of the relationships I was in when I was still struggling with depression and anxiety.
You can put a label on something by calling it a relationship or a marriage.
However, what is it that you truly feel? What is the quality of the connection?
Label something all you want, but a label will never substitute a true connection.
You can’t cheat your way into happiness via a relationship. Happiness is your own job. This I’ve learned the hard way.
4. INFJ Males May Heal from Heartbreak by Self-care
By reading a lot, introspecting, seeing a therapist, working on my mission everyday, exercising and having fun in general, my life completely shifted.
I know you don’t feel it right now, but believe me it gets better beyond your imagination if you keep growing as a person.
Be gentle with yourself and practice self-care.
Eat healthy foods, drink enough water, sleep at least 8 hours each night, visit some friends.
When you feel stressed or down, treat yourself to a nice warm bath or some other relaxing activity like binge watching a cool Netflix series.
Be serious about your growth, but reward yourself for the progress that you’re making. Work hard, but play just as hard too.
Your future Self will be grateful
Only after a few years I saw that I actually needed that painful break up to happen, because I wouldn’t be ready to help myself or be open to Eckhart Tolle’s message otherwise.
Ironically, I am actually grateful for my ex!
The relationship was a teacher in disguise. Maybe, you’ll see that later on too.
The secret is to keep growing my friend. It may hurt to do that, to face your demons, but your older self will be glad that you took the responsibility for your life.
I can assure you that life isn’t over at 30 or beyond.
You merely start to peak at that age if you keep learning and growing your personality. Who knows how far you can go!
It all boils down to creating the life that you will be proud of. But, you’ll have to start today.
5. INFJ Males May Heal from Heartbreak by Travelling the World
Another way in which I healed from heartbreak, was by moving abroad.
I’m well aware that most introverts like to stay in their safe zone, especially when dealing with a challenge such as healing from a broken heart.
My curious INFJ male spirit however, couldn’t resist the opportunity for a beautiful introvert adventure.
The people we are in relationship with trigger certain roles in us.
Roles they know us by and that we might have been very accustomed to playing.
The role of the caring friend, the friendly boyfriend, the dependable husband.
The roles that we play have a huge momentum as they are conditioned by our past experiences.
A relationship that comes to an end can be a sad event.
At the same time it could be a great opportunity to break out of the conditioned roles and identity that we had in that relationship.
Breaking out of that old identity really helps in healing from heartbreak.
By changing our environment we can start completely anew.
Photo by Roman Odintsov on Pexels
Rite of passage
Which country or city do you dream of visiting?
Imagine now that you could live there for awhile. You’re a complete stranger to everyone.
You could make new friends, experiment with different roles and aspects of your personality and take time for introspection and self-reflection.
You can use the weekends to go out and explore the city all alone, making it one big observing experience.
Deeply taking in the new surroundings. The city street view, the architecture, the people, the culture.
You could sit on a park bench on a lazy sunny Sunday with an interesting book and people watch in between chapters.
Start a creative project there for yourself and live the Bohemian lifestyle in solitude.
Eventhough it’s scary, there’s something magical that happens when venturing out solitary into the world.
Let the new experiences be your inspiration for strong character building.
Something shifts forever deep down when gone on such a journey.
How can we say we’ve seen a sunset, if we have only seen it set in one place?
INFJ males may struggle a lot with heartbreak due to them often being highly sensitive.
The emotional funk of break ups may weigh too heavily upon us.
The five ways to heal from heartbreak that were discussed definitely helped me overcome a broken heart as a highly sensitive INFJ male, but also so much more.
These ways helped me grow spiritually, psychologically and even physically.
Therefore, It could be considered a holistic approach to healing lovesickness.
I know that in general it’s very popular to think of romantic relationships as the place to have fun and show the world how much fun you’re having with each other.
But, underneath that shiny surface is always a deeper spiritual lesson to be learned.
That lesson is there with or without our awareness.
Following the tips of this article might give you a glimpse into that deeper layer that might be invisible to the naked eye when a break up happens.
Perhaps, we aren’t just healing from heartbreak after all, but actually growing beyond it.
I hope these tips work for you my friend! Stay up!
Food For Thought
1. Which other ways do you think will also help heal from heartbreak?
2. Do you think INFJ males have a harder time getting over a broken heart?
Tolle, E. (2006). A New Earth: Awakening to your life’s purpose. United States of America: Plume. Book
Wayne, C. (2013). How To Be A 3% Man. United Kingdom: Lightning Source UK Ltd. Book
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